


What We Had Was Real

by smolandgrumpy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt Dean, hopeless dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:22:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22278577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smolandgrumpy/pseuds/smolandgrumpy
Summary: Dean asks himself what he’s fighting for. It seems like he’s losing the battle and he wonders what in his life was real and what wasn’t.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/OFC, Dean Winchester/Reader, Dean Winchester/You
Comments: 3
Kudos: 36





	What We Had Was Real

Dean takes a sip from his tumbler, the tips of his fingers turning white from his tight grip on it. He lets the alcohol warm his throat before he leans his head back to rest against the wall and closes his eyes with a sigh. 

The floor of his bedroom is cold underneath him. The air is thick, it makes it harder for him to breathe, at least it feels like it.

He bends one knee and takes the phone that’s been lying shattered on the floor next to him, thumbs at the home button, sees it springing to life, even with the spiderwebs all over the screen.

His whole body is shaking and he’s holding to the glass and the phone like his life depends on it.

Dean thumbs over the contacts, tapping his thumb on a familiar name.

It rings.

_Once._

_Twice._

_Three times._

He’s about to hang up, think it’s a mistake and she’ll probably already asleep. How could she not, it’s already late.

“Hello,”

Her voice is groggy from sleep. Dean feels something warm spreading in his chest.

He clears his throat, his mouth opens and closes as he tries to bring something past his lips. 

_Anything._

“Hi,” He says at last, squints his eyes close.

“Dean? It’s something wrong?”

He can hear panic in her voice, shuffling of a blanket in the back, and he pictures her sitting up in her bed. The bed he spent many nights in, the one that feels comfortable and warm, especially when she’s in it.

“‘M shakin’. I...” He exhales and swallows another mouthful of brown liquid. “.. Sorry I woke you up. I had to call you to calm myself down.”

“Dean, why are you shaking?”

“‘M mad,” He grips the phone tighter.

“Why are you mad?”

“Angry too. At everything. God.... Especially at God.”

“Dean, are you drunk?”

He chuckles. “No, ‘m not. Far from it.”

“You’re mad and angry? Why?”

“Long story,” He pauses, thinks about what to tell her, settles on, “I feel like we’ve been played. Everything is slipping out of my grip. I am losing control. Everything I thought was real turned out to be a scam,” He can feel the tears sting at the back of his eyes, making their way to the front and he sniffs before taking another burning sip. “But we were real, weren’t we? You and me, it was real.”

“Dean,”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“Leaving.”

“Dean, are you crying?”

He doesn’t answer instantly, not before swallowing down the tears. “Nah,”

“It’s okay to cry, you know? You remember when I was mad and angry for whatever reason? I cried, too. It’s okay to cry. You have to let it out.”

“Yeah, I know,” He says, sets down his glass and brushes away at his cheeks. “Saw you the other day when I drove by your favorite coffee shop while I was in town, I’m not anymore though, otherwise I would have come to see you, rather than calling you,” He takes the glass back, empties the content in one go, squints and welcomes the burn. “You looked great.”

“You could have stopped and said hi,”

“You were with someone, I didn’t want to intrude,”

“Oh,”

“Does he make you happy? I hope he does, you deserve nothing but happiness.”

“So do you, Dean. But no, it’s not like that. I don’t really have to explain it, because I feel that it’s none of your business but I feel that you need to know in order to help calm down whatever’s brewing inside you. He’s interested in Mark from Accounting, so I don’t think that he will ever make me happy.”

Dean lets out an exhale, feels like he’s been holding his breathing since she started talking, is relieved that it’s not what he thinks it was.

And then it bursts out of him, loud, sharp, his throat rumbles at the laughter and he shakes his head, thinks he’s a goddamn idiot.

“I’m sorry,”

“Dean, you’re scaring me. Why are you calling me? You’ve never called. I haven’t heard from you since --”

Her voice falters and she doesn’t even have to say it because Dean knows the end to the sentence. _Since the day he walked out on her_. Ran away from what they had because he thought that it’s better that way. 

“Don’t want you to worry. I just wanted to hear your voice. You could always calm me down.”

“Do you know who you’re talking to? Of course I’m worried! Did you hurt yourself, Dean? What’s on your mind?”

“Miss you, is all.” He smiles, because it’s true.

“Dean…”

He hears her voice tremble, knows that she’s probably crying, wants to actually be there to comfort her. Maybe they could comfort each other.

“‘M sorry I was a fool. Should never have walked out from the only real thing I believed I had. It was real. The laughter, the sweats, the tears, the cuddles, the kisses, its was real, right?”

“Of course it was real, Dean. You’re still scaring me, what is wrong?”

“That’s what it was. The only good thing and I managed to screw it up because I thought that I have to play the hero and save the goddamn world.”

“You did save the world, Dean.”

“No, I didn’t,” He closes his eyes, because the tears won’t stop running down his cheeks. “I thought I did but we didn’t. It’s over, baby. Everything we worked for, every hope and dream I had, every chance of maybe go back to you and have a reasonably normal life, where I can get on your nerves and you can get on mine and we laugh about how stupid we both are --”

“What do you mean? Dean, you’re not going to do anything stupid now, do you?” 

“I’m not doing anything to myself, don’t worry about that.”

“I’m still worried.”

“I know,”

“Dean,”

“I wish I could turn back time,” He grins at the memories. “What we had…” There’s a tightening in his throat again, something that makes it hard for him to swallow down the tears. “Just want you to know that when I think of you, I feel better. You were the one who could calm me down and cheer me up. The only one who could make me feel at ease even if my life was a fucking tornado.”

“Dean! Fuck. You’re fucking scaring me. Is this some sort of a goodbye call?”

He ignores her because he needs to get things off his chest.

“I know I never said that I loved you,” He goes on. “I think love is such a stupid word. It’s said too often. People throw it around all the time. But what I feel is more than that. Someone has got to find a word for that.” He chuckles nervously.

“...”

“You’re the best thing that happened to me.” He stands up now, and walks over to sit down on his bed. “I’m sorry.”

“Dean, the fuck are you doing?”

“What I always do,” He mutters. “Trying to save the world.”

“Shut up!”

“So bossy!” He mumbles with a grin.

“I mean it. Listen here mister, you’re going to be fine, alright? You are the most selfless, caring and sweetest man I know. You made me happy, Dean. That should count as something, no?”

“You should add funny to the list.”

“Don’t push it, Dean,” There’s a laugh on the other side and he thinks that he’s missed that the most. “What I wanna say is, that you’re one of the good ones, you know? One that I would have kept.”

“I should have kept you, too.”

“I keep you in my heart, though.”

“You’re in mine. Every fucking morning, you know, I ask myself how you’re doing. If you’re happy.”

“I am. Not as happy as when I was with you, but I am.” 

“Good,” He is relieved but it saddens him nonetheless. “Good.”

“Are you?”

“What?”

“Happy?”

“N-no. ‘M not. But now I am. I just wanted to know if you’re happy.”

“Fuck, Dean, what does that mean?”

“I can’t tell you and I really need to go now, promised Sam that I’d help him with something,” It’s not entirely a lie. They need to go face the inevitable. 

“Okay.”

“Just know that I love you, alright? I miss you every day.”

She chuckles. “You said the L-word.”

“Yeah, well, because nobody did find a more suitable word for it in the time I’ve been talking to you.”

“I love you too, Dean. More than you know. I wish I you wouldn’t do anything stupid but knowing you, I know that you will. Whatever it is, take care alright? Maybe come back in one piece and stop by, even if it’s late.”

“I try.” 

“Try harder.”

“Jesus, I miss your sass.”

“And I miss your cockiness.”

“Fuck, baby, I really fucking love you. Be good, alright?”

“Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“Whatever you want to do, how about… I don’t know… you don’t?”

“I can’t go back now.”

“Thought so. Can’t blame me for trying to stop you, though.”

He grins, “Thanks for everything. I thought I just call to say goodbye but now I feel like you gave me something to keep on fighting.”

“I’m glad I could help.”

“Alright, I need to go, I’ll see you on the other side, sweetheart.”

Dean hangs up, not waiting for her to answer, because he knows that if he did, it would be harder for him to walk out of that damn door and face whatever God throws at him. He tosses the phone onto his bed before he stands up and walks out the door.


End file.
